it's ok to cry.

Have you ever read a book or a quote or something in Scripture, something you have read plenty of times before, yet THIS TIME...this time it was different, it stuck out like red sticks out on the color white? Well, I had a few of those times this weekend, moments that have happened before, yet this time they really stuck out...and in the midst of these moments, I had to remind myself of something that I think my heart knows deep down, but somewhere in the fast pace of life lately, I seem to have forgotten... it is ok to cry. 

The first moment was Friday evening. I went to dinner and a movie with my family and we had a really nice time. Laughing, enjoying each other's company...and then just as I was walking on the sidewalk toward the movie theater, I was stopped in my tracks...in front of a bench, a bench I have walked by countless times, yet only sat in ONCE...and that once was with my Mom. Immediately my eyes welled with tears and my mind took me back to one particular summer night. It was this past summer, my Mom and I went to a movie. My Dad had dropped us off, we went into the theater, found our seats, and I set my Mom up with her drink and popcorn, covered her with her blanket, sat beside her, held her beautiful hand, and we smiled at each other. I can recall looking at her face as if it were yesterday - oh my, she was so filled with happiness in that moment. She was looking up at that big screen like a little kid, her eyes big and wide, just ready to take it all in. During my Mom's 11 month battle, moments of true enjoyment became more and more sparing, and well, when those moments happened, we truly took them all in and enjoyed every second. This was one of those moments. As the movie was over, we went back outside and we sat on the bench while waiting for my Dad to pick us up. It was a beautiful summer night. I sat beside her there, and I can remember she was smiling, she was really enjoying herself that night. My heart was full. We just sat and talked and held hands. We both had flip flops on and our feet were side by side, and I remember snapping a picture on my phone of our feet together. I showed her the picture, "Mom, we have the same feet." She smiled some more. I held her hand and did the same with our hands. I remember asking her what she loved most about her life, and she said "My family. I love my family." My Dad pulled up, and we got into the car and as he drove us, I sat in the back seat, and I knew a cherished memory had just been made. And here I was, now nearing the end of January, staring at this bench, and I recalled how we sat in that very place, when it was warm, and she was still on this earth...and as the tears slid down my cheeks, I reminded my heart, it is ok to cry, for if you did not cry, then the memory would not be so dear. I cried for a moment, and then walked forward, looking back once more at that bench, and I thanked God for that memory. I would rather be here with these tears on my cheeks, than to not have had that special memory.

The same thing happened this morning at church, seeing her empty seat as we worshiped. Again as we visited the cemetery. Then, being in my parents' bedroom, realizing afresh, as I often do over the last almost 2 months, wow, she is really not here. Later today again, sitting at the kitchen table in their house, in her seat, just wishing to see her cooking away at the stove. Many moments where the tears crept up on me, and I had this instinct rear up from inside - stand a little taller, hold my eyes a little wider so the tears don't fall, toughen up, pull it together...and instead, I decided to just let it out...I let myself cry. It is ok to cry. Even Jesus wept. There are all sorts of seasons in this life... Times for mourning, times for laughing. We would not understand a smile or burst of laughter if we did not know the taste of tears, and the feeling of sadness...and sadness, when mourning the loss of a loved one on this earth, reminds us of just how MUCH we have to be thankful for...the gift of that person in our lives. We cry because there is something GREAT missing, and having someone that great in our lives is such a gift to stop and thank the Lord for. So, yes, dear heart, it is more than ok to cry, but just be sure as you cry, that you walk forward...and you look up, and you thank God for the gift of the one which you shed the tears for. And always, always, walk forward in hope, for one day, those tears will be wiped from your eyes and mine...and we shall be united with Him, who will make all things new, reuniting us in perfection, in the New Heaven and New Earth. Amen!

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and He will dwell with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”
​Revelation 21:1-5